


interviewing to be a three houses lord

by GoldenDeerGingerbreadHouse



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Comedy, Incredibly jank AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:33:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21992257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenDeerGingerbreadHouse/pseuds/GoldenDeerGingerbreadHouse
Summary: "I see, so you’re oblivious to the men that desire to take your head from your shoulders and hang it from the gates of Enbarr, as in you can’t imagine how your current state of precarious friendship and relative peace could deteriorate so quickly?"
Kudos: 11





	interviewing to be a three houses lord

**Author's Note:**

> procrastinating on a serious AU
> 
> parody of this youtube video from readwithcindy 's channel:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuaYlD9NU4o&t=105s
> 
> i don't actually hate any of these characters but you have to admit the parallels are funny

Original video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuaYlD9NU4o&t=105s

 **Cast:**  
LEONIE - Candidate  
EDELGARD - Interviewer

**Script**  
_Begin scene. LEONIE cautiously enters the seedy classroom, which probably hasn’t been used in years judging by the smell and dilapidated windows. Two chairs face each other in the center of the room, EDELGARD seated on one of them. She has light hair tied behind her head and holds a legal pad and pen in her hands. Upon seeing LEONIE, EDELGARD motions for her to sit down. LEONIE complies, figuring that she has ample time to bolt for the door if things go sour._

EDELGARD: Thank you so much for coming in today to interview for the role of a main female character in a tactical JRPG. We’re so excited to learn more about you and figure out which house you fit in as well.

LEONIE: Uh, yeah, thanks for having me. I didn’t expect these rooms to be so dank and sad-looking.

EDELGARD: _(chortles)_ Well, we try to have our interior design match the demographics of our games. _(Pauses to look down at interview questions)_ So, uh, it says here that you actually have experience in one of our genres?

LEONIE: Yeah, I live in Fódlan so I’m used to surviving bloody multinational political conflicts.

EDELGARD: Oh, that is so excellent and I am so sorry. _(She smiles overenthusiastically at LEONIE and checks off something on her legal pad.)_ Uh… let’s see. I would love to learn more about your background. Do you have any family?

LEONIE: Yeah, I do.

EDELGARD: And… they’re all alive?

LEONIE: _(nods head)_ Yeah.

EDELGARD: _(uncaps pen)_ HmmMmM.

LEONIE: I mean, I’m not close to them. I actually moved all the way across the continent to attend the Officer’s Academy, so I don’t even see them or talk to them at all. _(In case you haven’t noticed, this is a very desperate attempt to salvage the interview.)_

EDELGARD: Oh, okay. Well, we can work with that. And I can see from your bowl cut that you look like a basic bitch that walks out of Hot Topic. And from your physique, you also look like a malnourished Faerghus squire (read: child Dimitri), both of which are very promising. However, your face, in general, is not ideally what we’re looking for.

LEONIE: Oh, I thought in the job description it said something about looking for plain girls?

EDELGARD: Yes, but if you read the fine print, “plain” here actually means “extremely attractive anime girl.”

LEONIE: _(quietly)_ Well shit.

EDELGARD: Do you have at least two or more former allies who want to murder you/who you have tried to kill on multiple occasions?

LEONIE: No.

EDELGARD: I see, so you’re oblivious to the men that desire to take your head from your shoulders and hang it from the gates of Enbarr, as in you can’t imagine how your current state of precarious friendship and relative peace could deteriorate so quickly?

LEONIE: No. I mean literally, no one cares enough to try to kill me because I’m sweaty, incompetent garbage.

EDELGARD: _(Mildy disappointed)_ Oh, okay, um, well, would you ever lead a revolution and overthrow a corrupt religious institution?

LEONIE: Hell no, I can barely remember what I ate for lunch!

EDELGARD: So you would be incompetent at it?

LEONIE: Yes.

EDELGARD: Perfect!

LEONIE: _(in a very small voice)_ Wait, what? _(EDELGARD chooses to ignore LEONIE.)_

EDELGARD: Do you tend to listen to other people’s perspectives and follow their advice?

LEONIE: Well, I guess if I were leading a revolution _(air quotes)_ , it would probably be important to listen to other people’s perspectives and other types of plans. Especially in situations where the stakes are really high.

EDELGARD: mMmMMMm _(same sound as the weird “mmm” noise the characters make when they drink tea at teatime)_ I’m sorry, we’re looking for a more stubborn and headstrong character.

LEONIE: I mean, you can still be headstrong and use your head… _(EDELGARD holds up a hand to silence LEONIE.)_

EDELGARD: No. That’s not how it works.

LEONIE: Oookay…

EDELGARD: Do you ever drop an item that you didn’t realize you were holding?

LEONIE: ...no?

EDELGARD: mMMMMmmMM Unfortunately, that is the one answer we were hoping you would say “yes” to. I appreciate you for coming in here, but I don’t think this would be a good match. We’re looking for candidates who are… how do you say it, not like other girls.

LEONIE: Um, okay, so, what would that kind of girl be like?

EDELGARD: _(preparing monologue)_ I mean… look at me, for example. I’m just an ordinary girl (who happens to be a princess) with long luscious white hair who’s torn between killing my childhood best friend (who happens to be my brother AND the prince of an opposing kingdom) or the mysterious hot new guy who walked into my school yesterday (who happens to be the heir to two separate sovereign nations) for supporting the Church I’m trying overthrow. And on top of that, I have to lead a rebellion of teenagers with no acne. And it’s so stressful that I don’t even get my period anymore!

LEONIE: _(getting up from her chair)_ ...right.

EDELGARD: So, unfortunately, this is gonna have to be a pass for us. You are free to leave at the door.

LEONIE: _(stopping)_ Wait, I have something to say.

EDELGARD: _(sighs)_ What is it? _(Dramatic music begins to play in the background)_

LEONIE: JRPGs are all about exploring a world and making meaningful choices that affect the plot, right? And when we have a female character, we have a lot of opportunity to show revolutionary stories to young girls and inspire them to find their own strength and perseverance through personal circumstance. And I don’t think being a strong female character means throwing around an axe at political enemies or taking down a corrupt religious institution through god-given powers. I think to achieve the idea of “strong female characters,” we have to have a variety of women with different backgrounds. Maybe a girl becomes a successful entrepreneur, maybe she lobbies legislature to fix an unjust law, or maybe she works her way up to being a general in the military, all without a royal army at her command and two Crests. If we pigeon-hole ourselves into the idea that women need to have extraordinary talents and resources to succeed, we oversimply what it means to be a human being whose actions have an impact on the world.

EDELGARD: _(Puts her hand to her heart, dropping her legal pad to the floor)_

LEONIE: You agree with me?

EDELGARD: Oh, no! I was just dropping an item I didn’t realize I was holding!

_End scene._


End file.
